by Rev. Carole Horton-Howe
Please note that the following sermon text was provided prior to the audio recording. The two versions may differ substantially.
Peter came and said to Jesus, “Lord, if another member of the church sins against me, how often should I forgive? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “Not seven times, but, I tell you, seventy-seven times.
“For this reason the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his slaves. When he began the reckoning, one who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him; and, as he could not pay, his lord ordered him to be sold, together with his wife and children and all his possessions, and payment to be made. So the slave fell on his knees before him, saying, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you everything.’ And out of pity for him, the lord of that slave released him and forgave him the debt. But that same slave, as he went out, came upon one of his fellow slaves who owed him a hundred denarii; and seizing him by the throat, he said, ‘Pay what you owe.’ Then his fellow slave fell down and pleaded with him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you.’ But he refused; then he went and threw him into prison until he would pay the debt.
When his fellow slaves saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed, and they went and reported to their lord all that had taken place. Then his lord summoned him and said to him, ‘You wicked slave! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. Should you not have had mercy on your fellow slave, as I had mercy on you?’ And in anger his lord handed him over to be tortured until he would pay his entire debt. So my heavenly Father will also do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother or sister from your heart.”
—Matthew 18:21-35 (NRSV)
As I read this gospel, I think it’s safe to imagine that Peter didn’t ask Jesus the question how often he should forgive in a vacuum. I wonder if he comes to Jesus exasperated with someone or some recurring situation, if he came to Jesus angry at injustice done to him by someone in the community and wondering how much more do I have to put up with? How am I supposed to be in relationship with this person? It seems Peter might have already tried to forgive a time or two or three. Peter whose emotions are always close to the surface is compelled to ask this important question.
But Peter has spent enough time with Jesus that he knows when he asks “how often should I forgive…” that Jesus is going to tell him something surprising, something unexpected. And he does – that famous reply “seventy-seven times.” Jesus in his interesting way is really telling Peter: don’t concern yourself with playing a numbers game. Live your life with a mindset of forgiveness. We are called to forgive freely from the heart and not begrudgingly from the head. We are called to genuine forgiveness not excusing, or looking the other way or forgetting. All of those do far more harm than good and are inconsistent with God’s desire for us to live together loving our neighbors as ourselves.
Easier said than done, isn’t it? We are told to forgive but not how to forgive. A desire to forgive, even a very deep, sincere desire, isn’t enough.
It’s something like this: What if we needed a new pillar in the church and I brought in a cement mixer and dumped a whole lot of cement where the pillar needed to be. Then I stood there and willed this pillar to take shape, willed this cement to become a pillar? It wouldn’t happen. But if I built some wooden forms and put in rebar and then poured the cement in we’d have a new pillar. A process for forgiveness can work them same way – we create structure so that God can pour in the real substance that will make a lasting experience of forgiveness in our lives.
I’d like to tell you about the life and work of the man who created such a structure. Everett Worthington was a practicing psychologist in 1995 when his mother was a victim of a home invasion robbery. On New Year’s Eve that year she had gone to bed early. In her 80’s, she had given up driving and partying. So when a man came through her neighborhood bent on burglary, he saw a dark house with no car in the driveway. He assumed no one was home. He broke in with a crowbar and was rifling through the contents of a drawer when Everett’s mom appeared in the hallway. His plan for an easy score was ruined. There was a witness to his crime. He was faced with arrest and jail. He panicked and made a terrible decision. He hit her several times killing her in that hallway.
Everett describes sitting with his brother and sister the next day seething with anger at his mother’s senseless death. And thinking about what he’d do to that man if he had a chance, the suffering that he would willingly inflict on his mother’s killer if he could. His anger and desire for revenge simmered. The injustice of it haunted him. Everett Worthington was a man for whom engaging a process of forgiveness was in the realm of fantasy. How could he possibly forgive?
A critical turning point came when he asked himself, “Whose crime is worse?” Is it this young man who reacted in a deadly way when his plan went sideways? Or was it Everett - the Christian man who spent considerable time thinking of revenge, of doing murder, being self-righteous about the man’s prison sentence and glorifying in his misery, who never even considered an option for forgiveness. He concluded that his sin was worse than the sin of the man who took his mother’s life.
And yet as he wrestled with this dilemma, he knew that all he had to do to be forgiven was to ask God for forgiveness and he would be fully forgiven, that his chains would fall away. If he could be forgiven for the darkness if his heart, who was he to hold this young man’s sin against him? Everett was able to forgive him for taking his mother’s life.
This was the catalyst that started him on a lifetime study of forgiveness. Combining his interest and gifts in psychology, this great anger and also the words of Jesus to forgive and forgive, Everett found a way through it to forgiveness. And now he shares that process with the world.
His focus of Forgiveness is two-fold: Decisional Forgiveness and Emotional Forgiveness. Neither one is enough on its own. And together they are not enough without prayer and reflection.
Decisional forgiveness asks us to make an intentional decision that we are going to think of the person who harmed us differently. We decide to set aside ideas of revenge and treat them as a valued, valuable person. We decide to see them as God sees them.
Photo by Ricardo Esquivel from Pexels
Emotional Forgiveness asks us to replace negative emotions of hate and ill-will for those who harmed us with positive emotions of sympathy, empathy and love. It’s a lot to ask. If you have a wound of your own in mind and this seems like too much, Everett suggests thinking about the difficulty of carrying the negative emotions you hold. His research shows that holding onto “unforgiveness" leads to physical as well as emotional illness. It makes us sick and it separates us from each other and separates us from God.
Everett created a series of 5 steps to REACH forgiveness. R-E-A-C-H is an acronym to help us remember the process.
Recall the hurt—
As painful as it is, it’s necessary to recall the hurt. This is an opportunity to recall it differently, to recall it from a strictly factual point of view that scrubs it of the negative emotions. “The facts ma’am just the facts.”
Empathize with the person who caused the hurt—
In this step, we think about the hurt by thinking about what the offender might have been going through, what their situation might be. We might have an empty chair dialog with the person who hurt us drilling down on the circumstances and pressures that brought them into contact with us. Were there good-intentions gone wrong? What if the person who harmed who harmed us did it without intending to do harm? What if they wrote a letter apologizing – what would it say? In responding to these questions, empathy is generated and the negative emotions begin to melt away leaving space for positive feelings, for empathy and a caring concern.
Altruistic – Give an altruistic gift of forgiveness.
Once we can feel positive emotions of sympathy, empathy and love the offender seems more human, more vulnerable. To continue to build empathy, we’re asked to remember a time when we wronged someone and we were forgiven and how wonderful that felt. When we are forgiven by someone we have wronged, we are spared the dull ache of a guilty conscience and can feel our own belovedness.
Commit – to the forgiveness you’ve experienced.
Having been through three important steps, we’re asked to quantify how we’re doing at this point. Are we half way out of unforgiveness? More than that? Or less? There is always a justice issue when we feel that we have been wronged. When we’re moving towards forgiveness the gap of injustice begins to shrink. It’s variable of course. There is far more injustice in a situation like Everett experienced in the death of his mother than I might feel if I loan someone some money that is not repaid or a rumor that’s untrue was started about me or someone I cared about. Whatever the amount of perceived injustice, reflecting on the quantity of forgiveness we’re able to sense in ourselves lessens the powerful feeling of injustice done to us.
Holding On –
The last step is to hold on to our perceived and stated level of forgiveness and become comfortable with the REACH process that it can be re-visited to reinforce and increase our level of forgiveness. That’s not to say we won’t have triggers that take us to dark unforgiving moments. But we have the steps to work through and by the grace of God move forward. Working through the REACH model allows us to do what Jesus asked of Peter: Live always with a mindset of forgiveness.
We have the privilege of admitting our own wrongdoing and then being made free of all that we have done. There is no sin for which we cannot be forgiven. And we also have the powerful responsibility of turning over to our loving God those who have sinned against us and those we love so that God might deal with them in perfect restorative justice and mercy. There is no sin for which they cannot be forgiven.
Forgiveness is a blessing we have by the grace of God. It is a gift we can pass along to others to transform their lives and their families and their communities. Forgiveness is not an isolated virtue. It is inextricably tied up with justice, mercy and humility. It’s worth the struggle. Forgiveness is within REACH.
Let us pray:
“It feels impossible, O God, to forgive what has been done to me. You know my pain, you know the hurt I hold.
Surely you, O God – who in a moment of anger swept away all the earth in one great flood, leaving only old Noah and his boatload of ragged refugees safe from your rain-soaked rage – surely you know the storm within my heart.
But I am doubly caught in this bind - snagged on the sacred fence of my friendship with your son Jesus who has told me that I must forgive seventy–seven times those who injure me, who cause me pain.
Caught between pain and pardon, I wish to choose his way of pardon.
Nailed by pain to his cross, covered by the spit of scorners and whipped by his torturers he prayed the impossible prayer.
This prayer is one I now desire to make mine: “Father forgive him, her, them, for they know not what they do.”
O infinite Sea of Mercy, make this servant of yours the channel of your gift of pardon, that I may be healed as your forgiveness passes through me to others.” Amen.